This is really brilliant

Cruel Yeti

A Screenplay by Tony Carden*

INT. THE SUBWAY - AFTERNOON

Smart waitress MISS LYDIANNE MCKENSIE is arguing with sensible chef MR EVERETT BLANDON. LYDIANNE tries to hug EVERETT but he shakes her off.

LYDIANNE
Please Everett, don't leave me.

EVERETT
I'm sorry Lydianne, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

LYDIANNE
I am such a person!

EVERETT frowns.

EVERETT
I'm sorry, Lydianne. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

EVERETT leaves.

LYDIANNE sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, cocky waitress MISS JEMIMA ELVERET barges in looking flustered.

LYDIANNE
Goodness, Jemima! Is everything okay?

JEMIMA
I'm afraid not.

LYDIANNE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

JEMIMA
It's ... a yeti ... I saw an evil yeti dismember a bunch of hikers!

LYDIANNE
Defenseless hikers?

JEMIMA
Yes, defenseless hikers!

LYDIANNE
Bloomin' heck, Jemima! We've got to do something.

JEMIMA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

LYDIANNE
You can start by telling me where this happened.

JEMIMA
I was...

JEMIMA fans herself and begins to wheeze.

LYDIANNE
Focus Jemima, focus! Where did it happen?

JEMIMA
A wood! That's right - a wood!

LYDIANNE springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

LYDIANNE rushes along the street, followed by JEMIMA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. A WOOD - SHORTLY AFTER

CHANNING DELARIO a cruel yeti terrorises two hikers.

LYDIANNE, closely followed by JEMIMA, rushes towards CHANNING, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

JEMIMA
What is is? What's the matter?

LYDIANNE
That's not just any old yeti, that's Channing DeLario!

JEMIMA
Who's Channing DeLario?

LYDIANNE
Who's Channing DeLario? Who's Channing DeLario? Only the most cruel yeti in the universe!

JEMIMA
Blinkin' knickers, Lydianne! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cruel yeti in the universe!

LYDIANNE
You can say that again.

JEMIMA
Blinkin' knickers, Lydianne! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cruel yeti in the universe!

LYDIANNE
I'm going to need spades, lots of spades.

Channing turns and sees Lydianne and Jemima. She grins an evil grin.

CHANNING
Lydianne McKensie, we meet again.

JEMIMA
You've met?

LYDIANNE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young LYDIANNE is sitting in a park listening to some folk music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees CHANNING. She takes off her headphones.

CHANNING
Would you like some Kit Kats?

LYDIANNE's eyes light up, but then he studies CHANNING more closely, and looks uneasy.

LYDIANNE
I don't know, you look kind of cruel.

CHANNING
Me? No. I'm not cruel. I'm the least cruel yeti in the world.

LYDIANNE
Wait, you're a yeti?

LYDIANNE runs away, screaming.

EXT. A WOOD - PRESENT DAY

CHANNING
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

JEMIMA
(To LYDIANNE) You ran away?

LYDIANNE
(To JEMIMA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

LYDIANNE turns to CHANNING.

LYDIANNE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

LYDIANNE runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

LYDIANNE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with spades.

CHANNING
I'm not scared of you.

LYDIANNE
You should be.

INT. A KITCHEN - LATER THAT DAY

LYDIANNE and JEMIMA walk around searching for something.

LYDIANNE
I feel sure I left my spades somewhere around here.

JEMIMA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly spades.

LYDIANNE
You know nothing Jemima Elveret.

JEMIMA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, CHANNING appears, holding a pair of spades.

CHANNING
Looking for something?

JEMIMA
Crikey, Lydianne, she's got your spades.

LYDIANNE
Tell me something I don't already know!

JEMIMA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

LYDIANNE
I know that already!

JEMIMA
fear of heights.

CHANNING
(appalled) Dude!

While CHANNING is looking at JEMIMA with disgust, LYDIANNE lunges forward and grabs her deadly spades. He wields them, triumphantly.

LYDIANNE
Prepare to die, you cruel leek!

CHANNING
No please! All I did was dismember a bunch of hikers!

EVERETT enters, unseen by any of the others.

LYDIANNE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those hikers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Lydianne McKensie defender of innocent hikers.

CHANNING
Don't hurt me! Please!

LYDIANNE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these spades on you right away!

CHANNING
Because Lydianne, I am your mother.

LYDIANNE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

LYDIANNE
No you're not!

CHANNING
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

CHANNING tries to grab the spades but LYDIANNE dodges out of the way.

LYDIANNE
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, CHANNING slumps to the ground.

JEMIMA
Did she just faint?

LYDIANNE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly spades.

LYDIANNE crouches over CHANNING's body.

JEMIMA
Be careful, Lydianne. It could be a trick.

LYDIANNE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Channing DeLario is dead!

LYDIANNE
What?

LYDIANNE
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

JEMIMA claps her hands.

JEMIMA
So your spades did save the day, after all.

EVERETT steps forward.

EVERETT
Is it true? Did you kill the cruel yeti?

LYDIANNE
Everett how long have you been...?

EVERETT puts his arm around LYDIANNE.

EVERETT
Long enough.

LYDIANNE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Channing DeLario.

EVERETT
Then the hikers are safe?

LYDIANNE
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable hikers enter, looking relived.

EVERETT
You are their hero.

The hikers bow to LYDIANNE.

LYDIANNE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Channing DeLario will never dismember hikers ever again, is enough for me.

EVERETT
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the hikers passes LYDIANNE a weird mobile

EVERETT
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

LYDIANNE
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

LYDIANNE
Well, if you insist.

LYDIANNE takes the mobile.

LYDIANNE
Thank you.

The hikers bow their heads once more, and leave.

LYDIANNE turns to EVERETT.

LYDIANNE
Does this mean you want me back?

EVERETT
Oh, Lydianne, of course I want you back!

LYDIANNE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

LYDIANNE
Well you can't have me.

EVERETT
WHAT?

LYDIANNE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a yeti to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

EVERETT
But...

LYDIANNE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Jemima.

JEMIMA grins.

EVERETT
But...

JEMIMA
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

EVERETT
Lydianne?

LYDIANNE
I'm sorry Everett, but I think you should skidaddle.

EVERETT leaves.

JEMIMA turns to LYDIANNE.

JEMIMA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

LYDIANNE
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly JEMIMA stops.

JEMIMA
When I said fear of heights, you know I was just trying to distract the yeti don't you?

THE END

*Generated with: https://www.plot-generator.org.uk based on prompts by me.